Asshole of the month: Lance Armstrong By Corey Adam

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Lance Armstrong

I found out Lance Armstrong was finally confessing and I was shocked. What an asshole. Not for the people who he ruined, not for the tournaments he fucked over, simply for making me have to hear about cycling. 

Do you realize how irrelevant cycling is to an average American? It ranks right between spatula's and Windex. Seriously how do you have enough effort to cover up performance enhancing drugs, but lack effort to be in a better sport? For years now I have been told about what a hero you were, hell you beat cancer and cancer is a dick. But with how many people's lives you ruined just to protect your lies, You don't get to confess and clean your conscience you take that to the grave, soul dirtier than a light switch in Mexico city.

I could almost respect your “LiveStronger than those guys” attitude if you actually had some follow through. But wait a minute people say. “He beat cancer.” Did he? Or did he just steal blood from a non cancer robot?

Seriously Lance fuck you and the fake prescriptions you rode in on. As far as cycling what do I care, you took drugs to get an unfair advantage, then used that advantage to make the French look bad. As far as I am concerned we are square. You lied, sued, and cheated your way into an Oprah gig. You gave guys with 1 ball false hope. Next time be honest and just tell people who cares, cycling is stupid anyway. Can you survive testicular cancer?  Yes. Can you survive testicular cancer and win the Tour De France 4 times?  Probably not.

Lance you deserved to be kicked in the ball.